I will apologize now for the times I lose my wit and sarcasm and become one of those mushy, fussy, sissy, sobby, wussies that you usually find in the infertility chat groups. You will find no tender wishes of ‘baby dust’ here… but I do have my moments. (I’ll admit I am often a wus and sobby but I do try to NEVER be mushy.. LOL.. OK.. not often anyway.
I AM 55% GOTH!
Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself.
Friday was my Mothers funeral Services, but it was also the day that I began to bleed.
The blood was bright red and started as soon as I woke up on Friday.I stayed in bed until I had just enough time to get dressed, then came home as soon as the official services were over and lay down again.It didn’t help.
That afternoon around 3pm my sister took me to the ER and by 8pm we knew that I was no longer pregnant.
The New Year has been filled with sorrow, and I can’t believe I had to go through this without my husband. I miss him and need him but I won’t get to see him again until May.
I wanted this baby so badly.I know that goes without saying, but God… oh God how I wanted it.I can’t believe it is gone.
Poke will be in Iraq until February/March of 2006, then he will need 4-6 months of training for his next position, then we will have an international move.After the move it always takes a while to get settled in and then we must find a clinic. When it all adds up it means I won’t be able to try IVF again for almost two years.
TWO YEARS.
I don’t know how I will be able to make it. Two more years will put me at 6 years of TTC and very close to my 35th birthday.
I waited a few days to post about this because I didn’t want to cry so hard.This whole new year has been filled with tears. I’m tired of crying, it hurts to cry so much.
Posted at Monday, January 10, 2005 by Sanorah
Anna January 28, 2005 08:37 PM PST I know I'm very late to this, but I just had an urge to check in on you and I am so, so sorry to read this post. I don't know what to say except that there is another person out here thinking of you.
Melonie January 16, 2005 04:18 AM PST Oh God, I am so sorry. I cannot begin to imagine the sorrow and loneliness you are experiencing, but I will be thinking of and praying for you often.
Just wanted to add my heartfelt condolences. I'm so very sorry for your losses.
I'm thinking of you.
Soper January 14, 2005 12:10 AM PST Oh, I am so sorry. So, so sorry.
Michelle January 13, 2005 11:05 PM PST I'm so sorry to hear the bad news. My thoughts are with you and perhaps this will help (I know it helped me deal with loss in my life)
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sunlight in ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awak in the morning's hush
I am the soft uplifting rush
of quiet birds circling in flight
I am the soft star that shines at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there I did not die
Michelle January 13, 2005 10:58 PM PST So sorry! My best friend is in Iraq and I know how rough that is, so can't imagine what you are going through. So sorry!
Maria January 13, 2005 09:03 PM PST Oh, Honey, I am so sorry.
Lily January 13, 2005 08:20 PM PST I'm so sorry sweetie. Cry all you can. Life is not fucking fair.
parodie January 13, 2005 07:54 PM PST There are no words... I am so sorry for your losses. Many people are thinking of you and praying for you (for what it's worth).
anotherjen January 13, 2005 07:40 PM PST I am so, so sorry.
{{{{cheesy internet hug}}}}}
NameASM January 13, 2005 06:57 PM PST I am so, so very sorry. The words are inadequate, but they are all I have to offer. That and my prayers.
Melanie January 13, 2005 06:19 PM PST Came over via Cecily. I am so so sorry. No one should have to go through this.
Joanne January 13, 2005 06:02 PM PST Nothing I can think to write seems even vaguely sufficient. Please know that I am thinking of you and grieving with you.
dish January 13, 2005 05:27 PM PST I just read Cecily's post and came right over here to tell you how sorry I am for all of your losses. This is truly awful.
Trish January 13, 2005 04:48 PM PST I am so so incredibly sorry for your losses- and sorry that your husband isn't there to hold you right now...
Juno January 13, 2005 04:22 PM PST Sanorah, I am so sorry for your losses and will be thinking of you and your family.
Julie January 13, 2005 04:00 PM PST I saw a post about you on Cecily's blog. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace and that your husband comes home safe and sound. Please know you are in my thoughts.
Julie
Slim January 13, 2005 02:58 PM PST Sent here by Cecily--how heartbreaking. I am so sorry you're going through all this, and without your husband.
Marlou January 13, 2005 10:02 AM PST I am so very very sorry for you. There are no words for this kind of heartache. So many losses. I wish you all the strength and support you need to get through this time.
Big hugs
Marlou
Julianna January 13, 2005 08:50 AM PST Ohhhhhhhh Sanorah!!!!!!! Please.......PLEASE tell me it is not so!!!!!!!!
Ohhhhh........I have been so much hoping for you and have counted down the months with you.........
I AM STUNNED
I cannot imagine how you feel right now.
I am so sorry but that is such a worthless statement.
Please email me if there is anything that I can do for you..........or if you just need to "talk"........or even if you want to really talk......I will accept any and all charges..
I cannot believe this!
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
Know that I am thinking of you.
Take care.
Emily January 13, 2005 08:05 AM PST I am so very sorry. Please accept my condolences for your losses. So sorry.
My heart aches and goes out to you. Just know you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Rachel January 13, 2005 05:40 AM PST My heart breaks for you, honey. I'll keep you in my thoughts.
thisgirl January 13, 2005 05:08 AM PST I'm so sorry for you loss.
beaver girl January 13, 2005 04:56 AM PST I'm so sorry. Please know I am thinking of you.
Lisa (Riley, Bella & Adely January 13, 2005 04:51 AM PST I am so terribly sorry. I don't know what else to say. I'm thinking of you and your family.
JenP January 13, 2005 04:29 AM PST So few words at a time like this. I am so sorry. This is unfair and it sucks and you deserve so much more.
I hope you're doing ok and that Poke can come be with you in this time of need.
Menita January 13, 2005 03:18 AM PST My heart breaks for you.
I am so sorry. I can't believe a single person is called on to endure so much. Sending much love your way.
Menita January 13, 2005 03:10 AM PST Goosebumps from the sheer awfulness of what you are going through.
I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this - I just don't know what to say. We'll all be out here with you, for what it's worth.
I am so, so sorry.
Magnolia January 13, 2005 02:28 AM PST I am so sorry, I wish there was somethign that any of us could do for you. But I just wanted to say I am -so- sorry.
Kitten January 13, 2005 01:38 AM PST I AM SO TERRIBLY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, HONEY. i HAVE BEEN THERE..THERE ARE NO WORDS.
Wavery January 13, 2005 01:23 AM PST It's too much for any one person to deal with, especially away from your support system. I'm so very sorry.
Orodemniades January 13, 2005 01:12 AM PST My condolences.
To call this a crappy start to the year doesn't even begin to come close to how you feel, I know. It's the only thing I can think of that even remotely coherently sounds like how I'm feeling for you.
Take care of yourself,
Oro
Amanda January 13, 2005 01:02 AM PST I'm so very sorry. Thinking of you.
Moxie January 13, 2005 12:59 AM PST I am so so sorry for your awful losses.
getupgrrl January 13, 2005 12:31 AM PST Sanorah, I'm so, so sorry. Please let me know if there's anything I can do. This is just unfair and awful. Sending you love.
Mandy January 12, 2005 08:44 PM PST I'm so sorry. I know there are no words that will make it better. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
Tammy January 12, 2005 08:23 PM PST I am so sorry beyond words. Nobody desreves this much grief. It is hard enough to deal with this without your hubby and too without your mom. I can only imagine how lost you must feel right now. I hope you find the strength within yourself to survive this. I too will have to wait 2 years to try IVF we can be in the 2 year wait together. Again my thoughts are with you. Love Tammy
Lori January 12, 2005 08:07 PM PST Sanorah, I am so sorry. Two huge losses and your husband is in Iraq. Life can be so unfair. I am so sorry.
Kristin January 12, 2005 06:33 PM PST SHIT DAMN FUCK...oh honey, I am so sorry. This sucks beyond belief. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve. You've had an awful lot to deal with in a short time. Thinking of you.
Moogielou January 12, 2005 06:18 AM PST Oh Sanorah - you sweet beautiful girl. I am so very sorry. I am weeping with you. We are here for you.
Katie January 12, 2005 02:10 AM PST OMG I am so sorry. I know that doesn't help ease the pain. It is such deep unrelentless pain. I can't imagine going thru what you are with so much other shit going on. I wish I could take some of it away. So fucking unfair. So So So fucking unfair.
Carrie Jo January 12, 2005 01:45 AM PST Oh dear LORD I am soo sorry you have to deal with all of this shit at once. It's not fucking fair at ALL. I wish there was something I could do to help. I can't even give you a hug. I wish I could say something helpful, but anything is likely to come out making me sound like a complete asshat. I'll send the strongest mental hug I possibly can.
alex January 11, 2005 11:56 PM PST Just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you.... and of this horrible situation. Again I am so sorry.
Cecily January 11, 2005 08:55 PM PST God, honey, I am so fucking sorry. That just sucks so much.
My heart goes out to you. If I can help, or do anything, please, please, please let me know.
Julie January 11, 2005 08:25 PM PST Oh, Sanorah. I don't even know what to say. So much sadness, so much loss. I am so sorry. Just so fucking sorry.
Jen January 11, 2005 06:26 PM PST Oh shit. I was so hoping this would work out well for you. I'm so very, very sorry.
AuntPam January 11, 2005 01:35 PM PST I guess I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine what you must be going through with all of this happening without your husband there. I know that you are well loved by your family and friends so make sure you use that resource for strength to get through this.
Sadly,
AuntPam
Jenn in AK January 11, 2005 10:13 AM PST Hugs to you. You are in my thoughts. I just don't even know what to say...I know "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it. I am thinking ov you and pray, somehow, things start to look up.
Jenn
chris January 11, 2005 07:08 AM PST Read your blog but have never commented. I am so sorry. To have both happen so close together seems especially unfair. Take care of yourself.
Christine January 11, 2005 06:50 AM PST Things will get better, you have to believe that. I've been there, yes, and you really can get past this. Let yourself grieve and then make some plans. Give yourself new things to pass the time until you can start the process again. For some reason, God didn't have this planned for you right now. That's what people told me, and at first I thought they were just being crazy, or maybe insensitive, but then I started to realize what it meant and for some reason, it helped the pain.
I'm so sorry to hear about all your losses right now. You hang in there. You are strong and you can survive.
Dee January 10, 2005 04:17 PM PST I wish there was something I could say to help ease the pain but there aren't enough words. I am so incredibly sorry.
alex January 10, 2005 09:19 AM PST That is the worst news..I am so incredibly sorry for you. I cannot believe this has happened. I have been wishing things would just go well.
Words just do not touch how you must be feeling...so sorry ...
The injustice of it all....
I really am stunned. This is all so sad.
Akeeyu January 10, 2005 08:44 AM PST I'm so very sorry, hon.
bermuda January 10, 2005 07:24 AM PST I am so sorry. So fucking sorry. If saying it a million times to you took away even a teaspon of your pain, then I would sit here and write "I am sorry" for the next 24 hours.
This is just wrong. And fucking unfair.
My thoughts are with you.
Janet
Amy V January 10, 2005 07:15 AM PST I am so incredibly, freaking sorry for all the pain you are experiencing.
Elise January 10, 2005 06:48 AM PST I can't believe how much sadness you've had to endure in such a short time. I just came across your blog for the first time and I am so sorry for your losses. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.
