I will apologize now for the times I lose my wit and sarcasm and become one of those mushy, fussy, sissy, sobby, wussies that you usually find in the infertility chat groups. You will find no tender wishes of ‘baby dust’ here… but I do have my moments. (I’ll admit I am often a wus and sobby but I do try to NEVER be mushy.. LOL.. OK.. not often anyway.
I AM 55% GOTH!
Oh My Goth! You Goth, Girl. There is a good chance I am bi. Freakiness pumps through my viens, but I can still laugh at myself.
I just haven’t been able to get my heart back into this blog. I had so dreamed of being pregnant still and I’m so very sad not to be. I downgraded my account to a free one, I’m not sure how often I will be able to make myself post, but I will try. Heh.. to think there used to be days when I would post several times a day. Anyway.. hopefully I will be able to get back into this.
NEWS:
Poke is doing well and though I had a scary hour or so when it happened, he was not injured when the Embassy in Baghdad was bombed. He works a good 70 hours a week there but we still find time to talk on the phone every day. (Sometimes twice a day!). He loves his work and is dong well.
I have redecorated my old room at my dad’s house and will be spending my first night in there tonight. I don’t have my items from home yet so I will be sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but I think I can handle it. I hope that having a more private place to call my own will encourage me to write (for my blog and other things)
My hair had gotten waist length which is the longest I have had it in years.. but a couple of weeks ago I cut it off. Short! I haven’t had short hair since I was 8 years old, having it now is really weird. I never realized that short hair could be painful to sleep on! Not kidding, it pokes me in the head all night... not sure why, revenge for cutting it off maybe?
My sister also cut her hair off and it was even a little longer than mine. We did it together and it was fun. She likes mine more than I do and I like hers more than mine. I’ll probably let mine grow back out. Oh.. I also colored it darker and had them bleach a big blond steak in front which I color with different colored gel. Fun! Hehe.
My Mom was a lot of things, she was a fantastically talented artist, a creative writer, very tender hearted and of the utmost integrity.She had a singing voice the angels would envy and enough love for everyone.
What Mom wasn’t, was a good house keeper. Even before she became to sick and obese to do more than walk from room one room to another she was not a good house keeper.Combine that with the fact that she never… ever threw anything away and you got issues.
I’ve been here a few weeks and I’ve hardly been able to make a dent in things yet. Of course part of that time I wasn’t well, but that’s beside the point.
So far this is what I’ve accomplished.
Two kitchen drawers cleaned out, washed and lined with new liner. One was the silver wear drawer, because excuse me, but I don’t like old food crumbs floating around under my clean silverware.The second was the ‘junk drawer’ because it had to much shit in it to even close properly anymore.
I’ve cleaned out the closet, the dresser and out from under the bed in the room I’m currently camped in.This little chore took three days.I’m not kidding!What a mess of junk and cobwebs, and one big scary spider who ran into a crack before I could bludgeon him with the sword I had just pulled out of the closet.Yes a sword! I threw away 3 yatzee sets from the 70’s, the score sheets browned with age, a ratty stratigo game with pieces missing and some sort of quiz game that I don’t think they even make anymore.(please don’t tell me I should have sold those things on ebay, it was just to much trouble).
I emptied the shelves (5 of them) above the toilet and cleared out 8 year old mouth wash and 20 year old cologne. It was v v icky up there!We won’t go into all of the details of preparation H and that sort of thing, but at least now I don’t think anything is left that is out of date. I emptied everything and painted the shelves.Much much better but everything is still on the bathroom floor waiting for the paint to dry.
I have managed to do a lot of work on the back bedroom which I hope to one day move into.I have emptied the three dressers/chest of drawers in that room of their loads of art supplies, fabric and patterns (the three things my mother seemed to horde most). I washed every drawer and dusted each piece of furniture inside and out to rid them of the little spider eggs that clung to everything!Unfortunately the wood flooring in that room has had the privilege of hosting a horde of termites for some time and Dad says we will have to operate. Thus.. why I’m not moving back into that room yet.I still have the closet to tackle in that room; hopefully I’ll manage that this week.
Soo.. as you can see life is just full of fun and games!Heh..I really don’t mind though, it needs to be done and I’m the one to do it.Maybe I’ll be able to get through whole house by the time I leave here next year. We’ll see.
Well I have finally gotten sort of settled in… I say sort of because I’m still in the small bedroom and still cleaning up the big bedroom that was originally mine when I was a kid.I’ll be moving in there eventually… after I’ve cleaned out all of the cobwebs and such.
It is weird to be back in Oklahoma (ß note.. this answers one Q of where am I). But what is even weirder is once again living in a small town… and I do mean small!The total population here is about 1500.
It’s been a little over two weeks, so probably over 50% of the population now knows I’m moved back home and that I had a miscarriage.Ain’t small town life grand?
It’s kinda funny that in one of the comments someone asked if I would take photos of them… because just yesterday a woman my sister works with saw the photo on my sister’s yahoo page (that I had taken of her) and got all excited.Once she found out that I had done the photos she was hitting my sister up to have me do a photo shoot for her.
I of course will have to wait for my things to arrive from Bulgaria to find my backgrounds etc… but my biggest dilemma is and has always been… what to charge?
I did photos of a couple of ladies who were a lot older than me while I was in Sofia.I spent considerable time their photos removing or smoothing lots and lots of wrinkles and sun spots. (shhh.. don’t tell!)
I’m not kidding when I say that I sometimes spent hours on a photograph to get it just right.Now I had never experienced that before, with my own photos I can usually do simple touchups in less than 30 minutes or so.Would I charge the same for both photos even though one took me hours and one took <1?It’s hard to figure out such things.
The photo session for those two women took about 4 hours with many clothing changes and two bottles of wine, would I charge by the hour? It was fun.. but it was work.
If I was in Dallas or LA it wouldn’t be as difficult I don’t think.. I would consider myself a specialist and charge a hefty price, but living in Po-DunkOklahoma where people are poor… even poorer (is poorer a word?) than dirt!… I just don’t think people would be willing to pay a specialist price.Sigh..
Well it’s late and I’m off to bed, I’ll try to not be so long in posting my next bit of nonsense… sweet dreams all.
[Oh.. and all of you out there who are actually getting laid! yeah.. i'm talking to you! Well.. take one for me will ya.... um... and could you send one my way? ]
A:Nope,my hubby is a Security Engineer for the Federal State Department and we are in the Foreign Service (serving at US Embassies around the world).We were posted in Sofia Bulgaria when my husband decided to volunteer for Iraq.
Iraq will be a approximately a one year tour with two, two week trips home to see me.If things had gone as scheduled I would have stayed in Bulgaria with him until January 15th but the death of my mother brought me home on January 4th instead.
Poke (my husband) is actually still IN Bulgaria, he will fly out of there on Thursday for Iraq.Unfortunately he will be arriving just in time for the elections. Although I have worked at the embassies so far as a dependent, I am not allowed to go with him to Iraq, it is an unaccompanied post.
Iraq was a hard decision for us, we are very patriotic people (more so since we have lived in other countries and realize just what we have in the US). Poke felt he was needed in Iraq (he is v v good at what he does) and thought that it would be easier for him to go now than after we have children.Iraq will also ensure him a promotion and most likely our pick of post for 2006-2009/10. (We want Bangkok).
Secondly there has been a bit of concern about me deciding to have gastric bypass while I am in a fragile state of mind, but in fact the decision was made several months ago.I have been researching the surgery for months now and had decided that if I was not pregnant before I came home for this year in the states that I would have the surgery done, if I was pregnant then of course I would not.Well, as I am not pregnant anymore I can move on with my other plans.
It is not likely for us to be posted in the US for at least 5 more years and then it would be in DC.I don’t have any family in DC, nor any good friends so if I had surgery while there I would be on my own while Poke worked.
If I can have the surgery done while I am home now, I will have my dad and sister to help me out if I need it and I won’t have to worry about waiting to get pregnant, because I am doing that anyway.So you see… it’s the perfect time.
I called the doctor I have chosen today and his office set me up for a consultation appointment on February 1st.I’m a little worried about my insurance though, I’m not sure if I will have to fight them. If I have to fight and appeal it will take much longer to make this happen.
My knee troubles and back pain aren’t well documented because mostly it’s a waste of time to go to the doctor about it, I just pop some pain pills and go about my business the best I can.I’ve been emailing my clinic in Sofia to see if they can help me out, I’ll let you know how that goes.If anyone has any advice on getting approved by insurance I would be more than happy to hear it!
I was asked a couple of questions which I will try to answer somewhat intelligently.
Q:Have you thought about lap band surgery as well? It’s a lot less invasive, and you don’t have to wait to get pregnant.
A:I have been researching gastric bypass type surgeries for about 8 months off and on now. Most of my information has come from this really great site called www.Obesityhelp.com, though I have done research all around the web world.I figured I would let a doctor help me decide which surgery was the best for me and I haven’t seen a doctor about this yet.
Someone also mentioned a two year wait before becoming pregnant after gastric bypass, the info I have found only requires a one year wait, but again I will have to ask the doc to know for sure.
Q:I know poke is going to be away, but you know, he could store a couple samples at a clinic near you and you could use those for IVF in absentia
A:We did briefly discuss this option but the honest truth is that we just can’t afford IVF in the US. We will have to wait until we are once again settled into an overseas post (in a third world country) to consider IVF.Remember that IVF only cost us about 3k in Bulgaria.
Q:Would you mind me asking...does your husband suffer form low sperm count?
A:I don’t mind at all.If you get really bored you can read back to the beginning of my blog and hear the whole story, but the quick answer is that my husband seems to have some sort of long standing, difficult to be rid of infection. My RE thought that it was probably imbedded in his prostate gland (thus why it was so difficult to get rid of) and he could have had this infection most of his life and just never have known it. As a result he has poor sperm count, terrible morbidity and motility as well.The RE gave us a very small (<8% I think) chance of ever getting knocked up the old fashioned way. When we did IVF it required ICSI as well.
Q:Hey—gastric bypass is a great option for the morbidly obese but judging by the pictures you have posted at this site, you don’t look even close to morbidly obese!
A:(I know this isn’t really a question, but I thought it merited a response)
I fall into the Severely Obese category, I am just a bit less than 100 lbs overweight and I have been overweight for 20 years. Since my mother just died at the age of one day past her 59th birthday due to complications incurred because of obesity, I figured it was time I tried to prevent that path for myself. Because my insurance requires you to be 100 lbs overweight before they will pay for the surgery, I may actually have to put on about 12 lbs before then.. heh.. like that will be hard.
As for the pictures, well thank ya, grinI consider myself a fairly gifted photographer.I particularly love to take photos of women who don’t think they are very pretty, or who think they are not photogenic, because believe me, I can make’m look yummy!So far I just take photos of girls I know and just dream of setting up my own studio.Unfortunately my life style (traveling for the Government) isn’t conducive of such plans.
I’m still on my dad’s computer right now, mine probably won’t arrive until mid February but maybe later I will share some more of my photography with you all.All of my own photos are self portraits.I have an array of background and props/costumes, I play with lighting etc and use a professional quality digital camera (which my husband decided he needed to take to Iraq with him… pout).I am pretty good with getting shots that are flattering to those of us with a few extra chins and extra wide asses, but what I can’t get with poses, I get with PSP (paint shop pro).You may call it cheating.. lol.. but I call it art.
I really love editing photographs, and besides, what woman wouldn’t want her photos to be zit and stretch mark free?!
As for the rest of my life, i'm doing alright right now.
Posted at Saturday, January 15, 2005 by Sanorah Comments (5)
All of your comments and support have been amazing, I really appreciate them.
I’m currently feeling sad and a bit displaced.
I don’t know if I will fit into this blog space anymore, i'm all out of laughter at the moment and i’m not actively TTC because well.. that sorta takes two, also I’m not adopting right now or well.. doing much of anything.
We plan to have Poke see a urologist when he comes home for a visit, but that won’t be until May.Until then I’m kind of at a loss as to what my purpose here would/will be.
It is really strange to be home (Oklahoma) again, especially in such a small town. I have spent the last 6 years or so living in the Capital cities (WashingtonDC, Manila, Sofia), and now I am again living in a town of 1500. weird.
It hasn’t been a problem so far being in such a small town. I’m a little depressed and not being very active. I have done a lot of laying around and watching TV.
I know I’ll get over everything…. Eventually.
I’m sorry if I haven’t visited your blogs lately, I haven’t been able to make myself read the bogs. There are so many of you who I kept up with on a regular basis, please don’t feel neglected, I may yet be able to read you again.
We shall wait and see.
Last summer I did a lot of research on Gastric Bypass, I started that research up again this week. My mother had a lot of issues, most of which were caused by her obesity.I don’t want to be like my mother and die at the age of 59 and to do that I must lose some weight.I’ve been fat for 20 years and have never successfully lost more than 20 lbs.I’ve never kept any of that weight off for more than 6 months. So I’m researching the Bypass options again.With my families medical history I am predisposed to heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, edema (not sure if that is hereditary) and liver issues.Being fat is very dangerous for me.
If I keep my blog active the bypass info may be all I have to talk about, not very interesting for those suffering from infertility I know. But it is either that… or pretty much nothing.I’ll let you know .
If you have any ideas or suggestions please let me know.
Friday was my Mothers funeral Services, but it was also the day that I began to bleed.
The blood was bright red and started as soon as I woke up on Friday.I stayed in bed until I had just enough time to get dressed, then came home as soon as the official services were over and lay down again.It didn’t help.
That afternoon around 3pm my sister took me to the ER and by 8pm we knew that I was no longer pregnant.
The New Year has been filled with sorrow, and I can’t believe I had to go through this without my husband. I miss him and need him but I won’t get to see him again until May.
I wanted this baby so badly.I know that goes without saying, but God… oh God how I wanted it.I can’t believe it is gone.
Poke will be in Iraq until February/March of 2006, then he will need 4-6 months of training for his next position, then we will have an international move.After the move it always takes a while to get settled in and then we must find a clinic. When it all adds up it means I won’t be able to try IVF again for almost two years.
TWO YEARS.
I don’t know how I will be able to make it. Two more years will put me at 6 years of TTC and very close to my 35th birthday.
I waited a few days to post about this because I didn’t want to cry so hard.This whole new year has been filled with tears. I’m tired of crying, it hurts to cry so much.
This weekend was really rough but I am feeling much more together now.
I haven’t done more than tear up today. (Where Saturday I almost never quit crying). If I manage to keep myself busy, I can hold things together.
I was able to get everything accomplished today (Monday) so that I can leave tomorrow morning.
I’m worried about how I will manage once the family is all together, I don’t like going to pieces like I did Saturday, I hope I will be able to maintain myself. Mom’s service is planned for Friday.
Poke’s parents happen to be in the area that my parents live, visiting for the new year and they have waited around a couple of days so that they can pick me up at the airport and drive me the two hours to my Dad’s house. I haven’t seen them since last may, so it will be nice to see them.
We told them about the pregnancy and they are very excited.
We decided we would go ahead and be very open about this pregnancy even though it is so tenderly new and fragile. If it doesn’t last I am going to need my families support.
I hope to God it grows and thrives, I couldn’t stand to lose my Mother, my husband and my pregnancy in such short order.
I won’t see Poke again until his leave in May.
I managed to get a beta today and I came up with numbers that the doctor called ‘OK’. I suppose I have to be ok with that, I know everyone has different numbers. At two weeks three days gestation, mine was 23.59.
The Physicians assistant here said that she thought they calculated the numbers differently, or on a different scale than they do in the US, so I’m not sure what that really means.
I have a months worth of meds and I’ll try to find an OB/GYN as soon as I can back home. Other than that I just have to breath.
