I’ve been home two days now, why haven’t I posted? I don’t know..

I’m tired.

I haven’t been feeling well.

Maybe still a little depressed.

Did I mention I’m tired?

This is supposed to be my last week at work and I think it is going to be a bitch. We are having a Secretary of State visit and everyone is working overtime. Work called me twice today, the second time they asked me if I wanted to work overtime.

I said no, but I know they won’t be put off that easily, they will ask again... and again.

I know these visits are tough on everyone but in my mind I’ve already quit work. I know..bad attitude but I have.

I saw my RE yesterday and he thinks everything looks good for the IVF. I have to go in for blood work Monday morning then back again after lunch to discuss my medications and schedule. Two appointments during working hours my first day back in the office. They are going to hate me this week, I can just tell.

I’m struggling with a bad attitude, I think I have a big hawnking chip on my shoulder and if they do anything to piss me off I’m likely to not be very nice about it. I’m such a wus though, I feel guilty for having this chip and I haven’t’ even gone off on anyone yet! Gah.. dorkdome.

Anyway, my IVF is first and foremost, work just better step lightly.

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I arrived home just before 4pm on Friday, during the ride home my husband tells me he has planned a cookout at our house for about 12 people the next day at noon!

I cried.

I’m not kidding, I cried. How could he do that! He said it would be our last chance but damn I was so tired after 24 hours of travel that I was nearly cross-eyed.

The next day I went to my doctor appointment which was at 11, so of course I was late to our own cookout. Everyone was already there when I arrived home.

Poke was cooking but I quickly discovered his entire menu consisted of steak, ribs and potatos. I’m sorry but that just wasn’t cutting it!

I quickly put myself to work in the kitchen making some pasta and vegetables (and even made cookies for later).

Everyone hung around until about 5pm or so and I can’t say I was sorry to see them go. I was so tired after that my husbands penalty was to spend ‘special time’ cuddling until bedtime.

Poke had to work all day today and I’ve just sat around the house feeling pretty much like shit.

My misplaced luggage was supposed to be delivered this evening, but of course it hasn’t been. I cant’ even call them about it until after 9 tomorrow. "Sigh"

Anyway I’m home and my IVF is on. Wish me luck please.. this is the only chance I get for at least another year and a half. I really wana make a baby.

~Sanorah

I'm still very tired, but i'm enjoying the visit with my family.
I'm having a hard time remembering to take my birth control pills while i'm traveling, so they have been willy-nilly taken any time of the day i happen to remember them.  heh.. hope that doesn't cause any problems.

No luck finding a place to live yet.. the search continues.

Sorry I haven't called you H, been so busy, I doubt i will get to see you until i move home in January.

I miss my man!

I need sex!

see you girls later!

~Sanorah

Well I’m in Oklahoma and very tired.

I swear the more I fly, the less I like it.

Not sure how much time I will find to post (private time that is) but I’ll try to drop a note every once in a while. 

Best girl friend (besides my sister) tries for two months and gets pregnant with twins!

I’d be so jealous if I didn’t love you so much H , Ok Ok, maybe I’m a little jealous anyway, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you, I’m so so so happy for you and M.

You will be an awesome Mommy.

IVF next month... maybe we will get to be pregnant together, how cool would that be!

The Marine Ball was a lot of fun.

We started drinking at about 7pm Saturday night and didn’t quit until about 3:30am. That was more than enough to make me feel like total shit all day Sunday. By the end of the evening I had shed my 3 inch heels and was running around in my ball gown and hotel slippers, my feet still hurt this morning! And once again I am reminded that there is no such thing as a comfortable long line bra. Owies.. But it was a wonderful night.

 --

I’m slow at making close friends and it has been in just the last 4 or 5 months that I have started to call a couple of the people here at post good friends.  For a normal tour that last 3 years it wouldn’t be so bad, but now we are leaving in January. 

It figures.

I’m really going to miss some of these people when we move on. We had so much fun at the Ball with these people.

We always say we will keep in touch but I’m not really very good at that.

 

I still email occasionally with three people from our last tour, but as time passes the emails become less frequent.  I still think about those people a lot though. I’ve always been that way.

Some days I still think about people I knew when I was in grade school or middle school. I wonder where these people are, who they have become. I’ve tried to find some of them through the net, no such luck. 

 

I know that as we move from country to country we will continue to meet and come to adore so many people and that I will always wonder about them. It’s hard sometimes, leaving so many people behind.  I’m glad to have known them though.

--

 

My husband left on TDY today and he wont’ be back before I fly to the states for two weeks.   I felt so sad when he left and he could see it, he asked what was up, why was I about to cry. He has had this job for 5 years now and has left on to many TDYs to count in that time, why was I being such a baby now.  I didn’t tell him, I just kissed him goodbye and sent him on his way.

It was tough today because I’m starting my period today.  That in its self is enough to leave me weepy. It means another month that I’m not pregnant. (Even though we weren’t trying this month).

It is also because I know in a month and a half I will be saying goodbye to him for a very long time. For me it makes saying goodbye now, even for 3 weeks much harder.

As the time nears for him to go to Iraq I find myself getting much more emotional about it.  I need to toughen up a bit, if I can just figure out how.

--

 

Besides being tired from the weekend, I’m in pretty good spirits today.  Thank God, I’ve been so down lately I’ve been worried about MYSELF..lol. 

I am looking forward to the trip home, it will be good to see my family, especially my sister.  I’ll be home soon Enuj!

This blog is of course all about trying to get knocked up.  With more than 3 weeks of birth control pills go to there really isn’t much to say about the subject though.

I hope that by January I will be able to  turn this into a pregnancy Blog, if not then for the next year it will likely become a ‘bitch’ blog.  I vote for the pregnancy thing.

For now I am pretty Blah.  Still emotionally unstable from the pills but at least the BCPill induced morning sickness has gone away.

 

This weekend is the Annual Marine Ball.  I’m usually very excited about this event but this year I could almost care less.  There are so many REAL issues in my life at the moment that I can hardly fret over what dress I’ll wear and how to fix my hair. Sigh..

 

Next week I’ll be flying back to the states for a two-week visit.  I’m sure I’ll be able to find time to blog while I’m away… now if I could just find something interesting to say.

Photo removed for space

BRAN CASTLE

Our weekend in Romania was very nice.  It is kind of funny but all I had heard from people in Bulgaria was how POOR of a country  Romania was. (Romanians and Bulgarians don’t really like each other much) Well let me tell ya, Romania is much more developed than Bulgaria!  Budapest is a really large city with wonderful parks and a wonderfully developed infrastructure of roads.  

Probably my favorite thing in Romania was all of the gothic buildings, even small houses in the villages usually had some sort of goth iron work or spires on top.  I was going through the photos we took and we don’t have very many good ones, mostly because they were all taken out of the car window. I will try to find time tonight to shrink a couple of the best ones and post them.

 

Bram castle is a very small castle, and honestly not real impressive as such things go, but it was still enjoyable.  I purchased a small lithograph/watercolor painting of the castle that I will eventually put in a scrapbook with photos from the trip.

I also picked up a blue and white glazed plate and a full sheep skin.  The sheep skin for some reason smells of petrol (didn’t realize it until we had it in the house), I hope it will air out enough to keep.

 BRAN CASTLE

 Photo removed for space

What we all enjoyed the most was just driving thought the mountains and small village towns.  Every where you look old and new worlds are clashing.

 

Shepard’s still wander the hills with their flocks (sheep/goats/cattle)

-Sports cars swerve around said sheep crossing the road.

Roma (Gypsies) travel in carts pulled by skinny abused looking horses.

-The carts are usually full of junk salvaged from dumpsters.

Farmers bring in the winter hay pilled high in wagons drawn by donkeys.

-15 floor hotels tower over the small mountain villages sporting 4 stars on their signs.

Gothic churches tower over uniform rows of very old tombstones.

-4 robed priest pill out of a shinny red car.

Roadside venders display their wares in open fronted shops, they offer Traditional Rugs, wood carvings, old style pottery and Russian dolls along side coconuts carved into a monkey (WHY they have these, I really can’t say)

-Across the street is a Shell station with 10 pumps selling Pringles and CokaCola.

Old ladies in head scarves and aprons walk the roadsides.

-Tourist in evening gowns bar hop along the strip of hotels.

Old men ride their basketed bicycles along the edges of every road.

-Ambulances flashing red lights fly along the same road. (most likely to scrape an unlucky bicycler off of the pavement)

25-foot haystacks line the fencerows.

-McDonalds sack blow into the ditches beside these fencerows.

We drive for 30 minutes through the Romanian countryside without seeing a single streetlight.

- Huge Power plants nestle along the foot of the mountain and puff steam and smoke into the air.

 

Photo removed for space

Gothic Building in Budapest

 

It was a lovely time.

I think a tour in Romania would be no problem.

On my way to Transylvania.. catch ya when I get back!

Gah.. so many things to be done before January and so many decisions to make.

 

Because it helps me know where I am heading and to see things better I am going to lay it all out here (again?). These decisions have seemed all the more difficult because I can’t seem to get any help from Poke in making them.

 

IVF decisions.

 

•  How many embryos to transfer. (Assuming I end up with this option and am not just being naïve.)

                       

                        Here is in Bulgaria it is pretty much my choice. I’m pretty certain that if I insisted on 5 embryos, he would place 5 embryos (which I would not do, but I’m just saying..).  As it stands I have had a hard time deciding between 2 and 3. But unless my embryos all look like shit, I don’t think I will be having more than 2 transferred.  Triplets scare me.  From the information I can find triplets hardly ever get through things without some serious medical problems, the pregnancies are much more complicated and premature birth is a given. Besides the fact that I would (assuming they all made it to delivery) be faced with taking care of THREE babies!  Yup, I think I’ll stick with 2 embryos.

 

•  If things go well and we have a surplus of lovely little embryos, what will we do with them?   This of course is complicated because I will be moving to the US so soon after. 

 

If I’m NOT pregnant from the first IVF cycle, I would like the option to transfer my extra embryos in unmediated cycles.  To do that I would need to figure out how to get said embryos transported to the US and find a place that would store them for me.  This becomes more complicated because it involves finding a new doctor who would be willing to do the transfers. It would also involve getting pregnant while my husband isn’t even living with me.. hehe.. I can hear the small town folk gossiping now!

 

If I AM pregnant from the first IVF we would need to wait and see if I carried to full term.  If so then fine, but then I would want to use the other embryos for a second pregnancy at some later date?  We know that Poke’s sperm aren’t likely to ever produce a pregnancy naturally and if I have perfectly wonderful embryos, why not use them?

• I have mixed feelings about Embryo Donation.  I know I know.. it’s silly and selfish of me but I can’t help it, I just do.  Especially here in Bulgaria.  I just can’t imagine giving up full genetic siblings of my children to be raised in Bulgaria.  Don’t get me wrong, the people here have their good points, but it IS still a third world country. 9 out of 10 Bulgarian’s smoke and I would have to guess that 10 out of 10 Bulgarians drink, a lot!  Ok.. 10 out of 10 may be stretching it just a tiny but, but not much.  Maybe I would feel differently in the US. 

I read an article in People a while ago about two families who were getting together.  The four children were all full siblings from the same batch of embryos but one set of twins was being raised by the genetic parents, one set by parents who had adopted or rather who had been the recipient of donor embryos.  It made me think more about this option, but I still can’t decide.  Sigh.

 

 

• --It may seem like I am just asking for trouble by bringing up all of this now, but I hate to make decisions on the spot. I always (ALWAYS) wish I had thought things out more afterwards.  I am trying to see all of the options.

 

• -IF this IVF fails I will need to decide if I will seek any ART while in the US for a year.  

There are a lot of CONS : freezing Pokes already bad sperm : the expense : trying to find a clinic for the IUIs in backwoods where I will be living in : the expense again!.  The only PRO I can come up with is it would be that I would be trying to beat my age, to get pregnant while I’m still young enough to do it (theoretically). 

If I have a surplus of embryos then maybe I will do ART in 2005 using them in unmediated cycles, if I do not, then I think I’ve already answered this one for myself. I’ll be doing nothing in 2005 but growing older and waiting for our next overseas post to try and find a clinic again. I would probably be starting IVF procedures again just before my 35^th birthday. This is a pretty depressing thought.

 

• - I have been struggling with the decision of whether to tell my family about my infertility or not.

Poke says no.  He doesn’t think it is any of their business and especially since the problem is sperm, I feel he has some say about if we tell or not.

On the other hand, I really would like to be able to talk to my family about this.  My sister knows, but no one else.  Everyone else in my family is mega fertile and I kind of feel I’d like to educate them a bit.  Heh.. 

                                   

                        I also wonder if it would just be one more thing my mother, with her failing health would then have to worry about.  I think that maybe keeping it between just my sister and I would be best.

 

---

 

NON Fertility Issues:

 

• - Where to live.

I may not have much choice in the matter; It is more likely to come down to finding the only decent house to rent within 15-20 miles of my mother.

 

• - When to leave Bulgaria.

Baring any IVF complications (knock on wood) I hope to leave Bulgaria the week after Christmas.  If I am very lucky I will be a couple of weeks pregnant at this point.

We will already be packed out and will have no Christmas ornaments or decorations, but I want to spend this Christmas with Poke.  I need that, even if he doesn’t.

I’ll then set up house in Oklahoma and hopefully Poke will get to spend a week with me before he heads to Iraq.

 

• -How to keep my sanity while my husband is living in a country where they Saw American’s heads off.

Don’t have this one figured out yet, but I hope the eventual solution is a pregnancy and baby to focus on.

 

• - How to take charge of my mother’s life in order to save it.

I have no idea how this is going to work and frankly I’m a bit nervous about it. I’m afraid my parents will resent the intrusion and there will be very little I can do if they don’t LET me do it. 

My Dad can be very stubborn but I am the baby of the family and have always been a daddy’s girl, I’m hoping I can convince him to work with me in changing their lifestyle.   If Dad doesn’t agree to the same changes in eating habits that Mom does then I know it won’t work.  If bad food is in the house, Mom will eat it.

 

There are a few other things related to Mom’s condition I’m worried about, lack of health insurance, availability of a decent doctor within a two hour drive etc.. but I’m working on these things.  I’ll get them figured out somehow.

 

I am very sure I missed some important things, but I’m tired and this is all my mind could dredge up at the moment.  I think it’s enough to think about for now.

Just a couple of sides.

 

• -I just got my Flu shot.. and OWIE! 

            I am NOT looking forward to the IVF part that include so many shots.

 

• -And I hate politics.

My husband and I had big plans.  Next summer we were going to travel through Europe for a few weeks by train.  We also planned to take many weekend trips to fun places like Romania and Turkey and another trip to Greece and one to Italy. 

Now, with our time in Bulgaria coming to a premature end in about two months, those plans are pretty much out of the picture.

 

Our schedules are CRAZY crazy crazy.

 

-Nov. 13-Marine Ball

-Nov. 18-Dec 3^rd – I'm in the States.

-Dec.  5^th – 17^th (approximate) IVF

-Sometime around Dec. 13-16^th Pack out of our House & shipment of our truck to the states.

-The latter part of December and early January my husband will be completely busy with our Embassies move to it's new facility across town. I don't know yet if I will still be working at this point.

- Somewhere around Dec 26^th – January 1^st I will be flying back to the states for good.

 

What that all boils down to is we only have ONE free weekend left in Bulgaria, and that happens to be this coming weekend. 

Poke and I talked this morning and we are going to make a trip this weekend, a really cool trip!

My friends, this weekend yours truly will be hitting the road and driving to ROMANIA to see Dracula's Castle!! woohoo!

 

I know this may not be the top choice for anyone else who has only one weekend left to spend jaunting around Europe, but I HEART Vampires!.

I love Vampire movies, my favorites being 'the lost boys' and 'interview with a vampire'. But I also love the old cheesy ones. 

 

Want to know what a freak I am?  I own my own custom made fangs!  Yes.. I know, scary.  While in the Philippines I had to have a root canal and while we were at it, I asked the dentist if they could make me some fangs.  They thought I was a total loon, but they did it anyway, I mean money is money right?  

 

Don't worry; I'm NOT someone who drinks blood. (yuck) it is just that I LOVE costumes and love dressing up.  I'm one of the weirdoes who go to Renaissance fares in full costume.

 

So if things go as planned we will be on our way to see the castle of Vlad the Impaler in Transylvania this weekend, and I am a happy little girl about that.