Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

Firstly we have another Question:

Q:   Is your husband in the military?

A:  Nope,  my hubby is a Security Engineer for the Federal State Department and we are in the Foreign Service (serving at US Embassies around the world).  We were posted in Sofia Bulgaria when my husband decided to volunteer for Iraq. 

Iraq will be a approximately a one year tour with two, two week trips home to see me.  If things had gone as scheduled I would have stayed in Bulgaria with him until January 15^th but the death of my mother brought me home on January 4^th instead. 

Poke (my husband) is actually still IN Bulgaria, he will fly out of there on Thursday for Iraq.   Unfortunately he will be arriving just in time for the elections. Although I have worked at the embassies so far as a dependent, I am not allowed to go with him to Iraq, it is an unaccompanied post.

Iraq was a hard decision for us, we are very patriotic people (more so since we have lived in other countries and realize just what we have in the US). Poke felt he was needed in Iraq (he is v v good at what he does) and thought that it would be easier for him to go now than after we have children.  Iraq will also ensure him a promotion and most likely our pick of post for 2006-2009/10. (We want Bangkok).

Secondly there has been a bit of concern about me deciding to have gastric bypass while I am in a fragile state of mind, but in fact the decision was made several months ago.  I have been researching the surgery for months now and had decided that if I was not pregnant before I came home for this year in the states that I would have the surgery done, if I was pregnant then of course I would not.  Well, as I am not pregnant anymore I can move on with my other plans.

It is not likely for us to be posted in the US for at least 5 more years and then it would be in DC.  I don’t have any family in DC, nor any good friends so if I had surgery while there I would be on my own while Poke worked.

If I can have the surgery done while I am home now, I will have my dad and sister to help me out if I need it and I won’t have to worry about waiting to get pregnant, because I am doing that anyway.   So you see… it’s the perfect time.

I called the doctor I have chosen today and his office set me up for a consultation appointment on February 1^st.  I’m a little worried about my insurance though, I’m not sure if I will have to fight them. If I have to fight and appeal it will take much longer to make this happen.

My knee troubles and back pain aren’t well documented because mostly it’s a waste of time to go to the doctor about it, I just pop some pain pills and go about my business the best I can.  I’ve been emailing my clinic in Sofia to see if they can help me out, I’ll let you know how that goes.  If anyone has any advice on getting approved by insurance I would be more than happy to hear it!

I was asked a couple of questions which I will try to answer somewhat intelligently.

Q:        Have you thought about lap band surgery as well? It’s a lot less invasive, and you don’t have to wait to get pregnant.

A:         I have been researching gastric bypass type surgeries for about 8 months off and on now. Most of my information has come from this really great site called www.Obesityhelp.com, though I have done research all around the web world.   I figured I would let a doctor help me decide which surgery was the best for me and I haven’t seen a doctor about this yet.

Someone also mentioned a two year wait before becoming pregnant after gastric bypass, the info I have found only requires a one year wait, but again I will have to ask the doc to know for sure.

All of your comments and support have been amazing, I really appreciate them.

I’m currently feeling sad and a bit displaced.

I don’t know if I will fit into this blog space anymore,  i'm all out of laughter at the moment and i’m not actively TTC because well.. that sorta takes two, also I’m not adopting right now or well.. doing much of anything.

We plan to have Poke see a urologist when he comes home for a visit, but that won’t be until May.  Until then I’m kind of at a loss as to what my purpose here would/will be.

It is really strange to be home (Oklahoma) again, especially in such a small town. I have spent the last 6 years or so living in the Capital cities (Washington DC, Manila, Sofia), and now I am again living in a town of 1500.  weird.

It hasn’t been a problem so far being in such a small town. I’m a little depressed and not being very active. I have done a lot of laying around and watching TV. 

I know I’ll get over everything…. Eventually.

I’m sorry if I haven’t visited your blogs lately, I haven’t been able to make myself read the bogs. There are so many of you who I kept up with on a regular basis, please don’t feel neglected, I may yet be able to read you again.

We shall wait and see.

Last summer I did a lot of research on Gastric Bypass, I started that research up again this week. My mother had a lot of issues, most of which were caused by her obesity.  I don’t want to be like my mother and die at the age of 59 and to do that I must lose some weight.  I’ve been fat for 20 years and have never successfully lost more than 20 lbs.  I’ve never kept any of that weight off for more than 6 months. So I’m researching the Bypass options again.  With my families medical history I am predisposed to heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, edema (not sure if that is hereditary) and liver issues.  Being fat is very dangerous for me. 

If I keep my blog active the bypass info may be all I have to talk about, not very interesting for those suffering from infertility I know. But it is either that… or pretty much nothing.  I’ll let you know .

If you have any ideas or suggestions please let me know.

Love you all so much.

~Sanorah

Friday was my Mothers funeral Services, but it was also the day that I began to bleed.

The blood was bright red and started as soon as I woke up on Friday.  I stayed in bed until I had just enough time to get dressed, then came home as soon as the official services were over and lay down again.  It didn’t help.

That afternoon around 3pm my sister took me to the ER and by 8pm we knew that I was no longer pregnant.

The New Year has been filled with sorrow, and I can’t believe I had to go through this without my husband. I miss him and need him but I won’t get to see him again until May.

I wanted this baby so badly.   I know that goes without saying, but God… oh God how I wanted it.  I can’t believe it is gone.

Poke will be in Iraq until February/March of 2006, then he will need 4-6 months of training for his next position, then we will have an international move.  After the move it always takes a while to get settled in and then we must find a clinic. When it all adds up it means I won’t be able to try IVF again for almost two years.

TWO YEARS.

I don’t know how I will be able to make it. Two more years will put me at 6 years of TTC and very close to my 35^th birthday.

I waited a few days to post about this because I didn’t want to cry so hard.  This whole new year has been filled with tears. I’m tired of crying, it hurts to cry so much.

This weekend was really rough but I am feeling much more together now.

I haven’t done more than tear up today. (Where Saturday I almost never quit crying). If I manage to keep myself busy, I can hold things together.

I was able to get everything accomplished today (Monday) so that I can leave tomorrow morning.

I’m worried about how I will manage once the family is all together, I don’t like going to pieces like I did Saturday, I hope I will be able to maintain myself. Mom’s service is planned for Friday.

Poke’s parents happen to be in the area that my parents live, visiting for the new year and they have waited around a couple of days so that they can pick me up at the airport and drive me the two hours to my Dad’s house. I haven’t seen them since last may, so it will be nice to see them.

We told them about the pregnancy and they are very excited.

We decided we would go ahead and be very open about this pregnancy even though it is so tenderly new and fragile. If it doesn’t last I am going to need my families support.

I hope to God it grows and thrives, I couldn’t stand to lose my Mother, my husband and my pregnancy in such short order.

I won’t see Poke again until his leave in May.

I managed to get a beta today and I came up with numbers that the doctor called ‘OK’. I suppose I have to be ok with that, I know everyone has different numbers. At two weeks three days gestation, mine was 23.59.

The Physicians assistant here said that she thought they calculated the numbers differently, or on a different scale than they do in the US, so I’m not sure what that really means.

I have a months worth of meds and I’ll try to find an OB/GYN as soon as I can back home. Other than that I just have to breath.

Thank you all for your warm words.

~Sanorah

My Mother passed away last night, she turned 59 last week.

It’s been a rough day.

I’m trying to get things situated where I can go home now instead of in two weeks like planned.

Because the cat will be traveling with me and I need to get more meds from the doctor on Monday I can’t leave until Tuesday.

I was looking forward to telling her I was pregnant, she would have been so happy.

I probably won’t post for a few days, things are to hard right now, I need a little time.

This was taken/stolen from /unproductivereproductive

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
IVF & got pregnant

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? No, I did not make any. Never do.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No (two people close to me got pregnant though)

4. Did anyone close to you die? Poke's Grandmother 

5. What countries did you visit? US : Greece : Romania, I don’t think Bulgaria counts because I lived there.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? The birth of my baby(s) full term and healthy.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? December 17, 2004. Retrieval and fertilization.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Pregnancy, but since I’ve already used that, I’ll say preparing to move back to the US and not totally freaking about my husband going to Iraq very soon.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury? While..err.. drunk, I fell and jammed two fingers on my right hand in June, they still aren’t completely recovered.

10. What was the best thing you bought?   A projector so that I now watch The Simpsons 5 foot tall on my wall.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband has been very giving and supportive as has my sister.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My former boss, Big Dog.

13. Where did most of your money go? In Vitro + Meds and a two week road trip through western US.

14. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My Pregnancy of course!

15. What song will always remind you of 2004? Yellow, by Coldplay

16. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? So much happier! ii. thinner or fatter? Same iii. richer or poorer? Poorer.

17. What do you wish you'd done more of? Exercise.. but just because I feel guilty now.

18. What do you wish you'd done less of? Crying

19. How will you be spending New Year's?  At a party thrown by our good friend and my former supervisor The Hulk.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004? Yes, with my unborn child.

22. How many one-night stands? No no.. I’m pretty sure my husband and I had sex more than once.

23. What was your favorite TV program? The Simpsons & Southpark (GOD! And I’m having children?!)

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Yes, someone has to be really bad for me to hate them, and how I feel about this chick from the embassy community isn’t quite hate.. but it would be real easy to get there. I have never mentioned her on my blog before though.

25. What was the best book you read? The Hawk Mistress

26. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery? Yellow by Coldplay and Eurotrash Girl

27. What did you want and get? Pregnant and chocolate... lots of chocolate.

28. What did you want and not get? A new house.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? I don’t go to the movies often here so it is hard to remember, the one I have watched the most this year is The Hot Chick.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 33, didn’t do much of anything.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To have gotten pregnant 6 months ago, but I’ll take what I’ve got!

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? The beginning of the year I was enjoying some of the Eurotrashish fashions, the latter part I was dressed in Infertile Drab.

33. What kept you sane? My Blog and my Cat.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Just one? I think my favorite right now is the guy from Duce Bigilo/ Hot chick, sorry went blank on his name right now.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? I try to hide from all things political.

36. Who did you miss? My Sister and H.

37. Who was the best new person you met? Dawn, she has been a big support though all of this past year.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:  Sometimes hard times can have good products.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Things are getting kinda gross.. and I’ll go it’s sleepy time.(Tori Amos, Cornflake Girl)

I want to order some books on pregnancy and I’d love to get a few opinions on what ones are worth buying/reading and which ones to avoid.

I spent some time last night trying to figure this out and my little brain just didn’t catch on. (Maybe it had something to do with it being after midnight, I don’t know).

Anyway I know that although I am physically only two weeks pregnant (tomorrow), I am counted as four. Now when I tell my husband this he is skeptical. Can anyone who ‘gets it’ please simplify it for me? I just feel to dumb.

In other news, I peed on a stick again this morning. I couldn’t help it. Thank God  there were still two lines, with the telling line being darker than it was last time. I feel better.

In other other news, seems that when I got up at the butt-crack of dawn to do the said peeing on the stick (because my bladder insisted it couldn’t wait any longer) I experienced my first morning sickness. Oh joy.

 In other other other news, I only have enough Utrogestan left for today and tomorrow. I tried to call Dr. Voyeur to see if I should go get some more and haven’t been able to get a hold of him yet.

How long did you stay on progesterone support?

-UPDATE— Finally got ahold of the doc and he wants me to come by the office tomorrow for more meds, plus more of a med i ran out of on monday.  Now why couldn't he have just given me enough to begin with??--also, it is 1pm and i havent' had any cramps so far today.  I don't know if that is good news or not! lol

------   All of your comments have really meant the world to me, you girls so kick ass!