Friday was my Mothers funeral Services, but it was also the day that I began to bleed.

The blood was bright red and started as soon as I woke up on Friday.  I stayed in bed until I had just enough time to get dressed, then came home as soon as the official services were over and lay down again.  It didn’t help.

That afternoon around 3pm my sister took me to the ER and by 8pm we knew that I was no longer pregnant.

The New Year has been filled with sorrow, and I can’t believe I had to go through this without my husband. I miss him and need him but I won’t get to see him again until May.

I wanted this baby so badly.   I know that goes without saying, but God… oh God how I wanted it.  I can’t believe it is gone.

Poke will be in Iraq until February/March of 2006, then he will need 4-6 months of training for his next position, then we will have an international move.  After the move it always takes a while to get settled in and then we must find a clinic. When it all adds up it means I won’t be able to try IVF again for almost two years.

TWO YEARS.

I don’t know how I will be able to make it. Two more years will put me at 6 years of TTC and very close to my 35^th birthday.

I waited a few days to post about this because I didn’t want to cry so hard.  This whole new year has been filled with tears. I’m tired of crying, it hurts to cry so much.